Things I wish I can Say

 

 

Character List:

Britney

(19) A shy soul, she finds comfort in the quiet corners of life, Cautious of the world’s judgmental gaze. Introverted and

Introspective, she treads softly, wary of revealing her tender heart to a world that often misunderstands her. Each step is Measured, each word chosen with care, each pound gained It is with caution for fear of the scrutiny that awaits.

 

 

 

Things I wish I can Say By Britney Abreu

 

Time: Sunday, afternoon, 2023 Place: Bushwick, New York

At Rise: Soft rays of the setting sun spill through open windows, casting a warm glow upon the modern therapy office. Brown cabinets and doors stand in elegant contrast against sleek gray hardwood floors, creating a contemporary haven for healing. In the waiting area, a television plays a telenovela, its melodramatic tales providing a momentary distraction for clients as they await their sessions.

Britney (19) nestled comfortably on the sofa, the air filled with the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee, I sank into its plush seating anxiously waiting to be called. The television screen flickered to life, casting the room in the glow of “La Rosa De Guadalupe” as it unraveled its latest episode. With each dramatic twist, I glanced over others waiting. In this quiet companionship, the familiar narrative of the telenovela served as a comforting backdrop.

 

 

My dad always tells me I need to visit my grandmother more often (pause) and I do have to admit he’s right. My grandmother is pushing 80 and I don’t want to regret not visiting her when she’s no longer around. What’s holding me back you might ask? My grandmother lives with her daughter (my aunt) and her family. Growing up my aunt was like my second mother, (pause) hell she was the first person to carry me because my mother had a c-section. When my mother was at work and couldn’t pick me up, she came to my rescue, (pause) but as I got older things changed. Growing up I was always underweight. As a Hispanic when you’re underweight it’s very frowned upon but if you’re overweight get ready to have the whole family talk about you and your looks. I was always told by my aunt “you need to eat your sooo skinny” or “you look like you’re dying” and let’s not forget the “you won’t get a husband when you look like a skeleton”. She’s our family shit talker and everyone dislikes her because of it, that’s funny. Every time I visited my grandmother I knew to expect some rude comments from my aunt. Little did my family know (pause) how badly I was struggling when it came to how I felt. Sometimes I’ll look at myself in the mirror disgusted at how I looked. What’s wrong with me I’ll ask myself at 9 years old (pause) WHAT 9-YEAR-OLD SHOULD GO THROUGH BODY SHAMING HERSELF. Do you wanna know what I’ll do? (Pause) I hate how I have to talk about this, my mom would give me a plate of food, eat maybe like 2 spoonfuls of it, throw out the rest and say I ate. You know sometimes if a meal is really good and I’ll eat it all (pause) I’ll wait for my parents to go to sleep and lock myself in the bathroom and throw up, my parents still don’t know about my struggles. I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t help myself. Two years ago, I decided it’s time to make a change in my lifestyle, no one is going to help me but myself. I hated how I looked and felt. I thought the best first step was to dye my hair a light brown. I was so excited to go to my grandmother’s house that weekend and show her the difference. She’s always supportive of me. When I arrived that day, my grandmother went on and on about how nice it looked on me. My aunt chimed in and said “not only are you making your body shut down, you’re also killing your hair now look at you”. I wish I can just say “look at yourself in the mirror, do you think you look good?” but I stood quiet (pause). After that day I knew I had to put on more weight not just because of what others think but for myself. I went to my physician and he told me to take protein supplements every day. You don’t understand how much it took for me to not want to give up and go back to my old habits. It took me 3 months to go from 99 pounds to 115. (pause) That was a lot for me but I was happy with the weight. Then 6 months passed, and I hadn’t seen my family in 3 months, I put on more weight. I was now 130 I was officially done with the protein supplements. I went over to grandmothers again; I was so anxious to show people the weight I put on because I knew the comments were coming. As soon as I walked in my grandma smiled ear to ear (pause) I dunno it felt amazing to see her smiling at me like that. Then my aunt came out her room and looked at me up and down with (pause) a disgusted look. “OMG you need to stop eating you look so fat look at that belly”. I felt so idk.. What’s the word? I guess defeated. I just thought to myself when will I ever be enough. I wanted to say “are you so perfect that you keep judging everything about me”. I’m so tired of letting others ideas of me get to my head, I want to love my body. I just stood there quietly. I didn’t even respond back, why can I never defend myself.. I’m done trying to force a relationship with someone who degrades me every chance they get. (Pause) No one is perfect, I’ve noticed it’s always the family members that are insecure with the way they look, tend to talk more shit. I got up and left their house that day knowing that’ll be the last time I ever let someone’s words make me feel down again. 4 months later, it was new years. (pause) We always host the party at my house and invite everyone. I got all glammed up and wore something I FELT AMAZING IN. My aunt arrived with grandmother and as soon as she walked in I was waiting to hear it. After she was done saying hi to everyone she came to me. I saw her eyeing me and I knew it was coming. This moment right here was my proudest. (pause) As soon as she opened her mouth I stopped her with my hand not wanting to hear what she’s going to say, I felt so good about myself on how I looked I wasn’t going to let her ruin this for me. I knew she was going to call that movement disrespectful but I didn’t care because she didn’t think about how I felt when she kept talking down on me. I feel like ever since I started taking therapy 2 years ago, (pause) I feel safer and happier in my own skin. I’m happy now, I don’t let other people’s ideas of me affect me as much as before. I still have more to improve on but I’m happy with the progress. I’m done letting others judge me. I’m going to stand up for myself if they like it or not, I’m done holding back for no reason. It’s time for me to live.